2007

By early 2007, I was happily riding him at walk and trot, but I was still afraid to canter. I had never suffered from riding nerves before, and wasn't entirely sure what to do about it. I didn't know if it was my own insecurity and fears after his bolt, or that he would simply never be able to do it. Even when my instructor rode him, he resisted and made a big deal about the canter transition.

In February, I took him along to an Ex-Racer Club clinic at Leeds, hoping to work on some of my confidence issues. I explained to the instructor that I did not canter under any circumstances. I had, however, begun a lot of pole work, and we had started popping very small jumps from a trot, but never cantered. Of course, the instructor took it as a challenge and was determined that I was going to!

The Ex-Racer Club Clinic, Leeds - 18th February 2007

I realised it was my own fear over cantering, my lack of trust in my horse, and my automatic forward seat that were causing the problem, and on February 18th 2007, I realised we could do it. It did take tears of terror, followed by almost screaming hysterics when I thought I couldn't stop, but I was told "Of course you can, you stupid girl", and my shock at being spoken to in such a manner cut through the fear, and I realised, yes I could. Please forgive my horrible position, terrible riding and Salsa's nerves in the following videos. It's purely my fault - I was terrified.

And there we go!

It was one of the most frightening, but rewarding experiences of my life - I conquered my fear, and realised that my horse was perfectly willing to please me, but I was scaring the life out of him!

After several supervised "test flights" in the school at home, I became brave enough to canter on a hack... and he was fine. Now, I recall the fear, but I'm not sure WHY I was so scared. My horse was in pain to begin with, but then my own insecurity caused all the issues that followed. I finally felt able to get on with the business of re-educating my ex-racer. Over the summer, he came off his calmer and we hacked out alone, fitting in a good canter in areas that were safe. I still never let him "go", and will not permit anyone else who rides him to either - cantering is always as safe and under control whilst hacking as it is whilst schooling. He has plenty of opportunity for a good "blast" during turn-out hours. His schooling improved, and although we have not yet cracked the perfect trot-canter, canter-trot transition, I know time and patience will get us there.

Over the Summer, it became necessary for me to find a part-loaner. I will openly admit I wasn't happy about the idea, but I was in the process of divorcing my husband, I was finding Salsa's costs a struggle. It is my intention that Salsa will never be for sale. He has given me so much, that I owe him a home for life. I couldn't live with myself knowing that he may spend the rest of his life passing from pillar to post. So, I decided, realistically we needed someone who would enjoy and have fun with Salsa a few days a week.

In September, we found a lovely girl who was able to devote three days a week to him. Things weren't always perfect and a few times issues arose, but mostly we were able to resolve them. Unfortunately, she began to feel that her commitments away from the yard were preventing her from enjoying her time with Salsa, and after only two months, she had to give me notice that she was unable to continue. It's unfortunate, but circumstances do change. Since my own hadn't changed for the better, I was left with a dilemma - try to find another sharer or put him out on loan.

After all the hassel of sharing, I advertised him for loan. I got so many strange and occasionally down-right weird phone calls that the stress began making me ill and for a couple of months, I simply couldn't face riding. Previously, I had always been capable of keeping "general life" away from "horse life", but the financial stress and my depression really began to get to me. As winter progressed, my joints became more and more painful, and by late November, my hands were agonising, so much so that even such simple tasks as mixing feeds would have me in tears. My boyfriend and my parents made a huge effort to help me out, and although again I considered giving up I realised that my trips to the yard were the high point of my day. I had serious discussions with my boyfriend about what was going on in my head, and he felt that losing my horse would cause me further emotional issues and that I would regret it. Whenever I didn't feel well enough to go to the yard myself, my boyfriend would go for me and would bring back pictures to cheer me up.

3rd December 2007

Whilst at the feedstore, I noticed an advert for grass livery and realised it was so close to where he was currently living. The idea of turning him away for a holiday was suddenly a possibility. I worked out that in terms of finances, I would save almost half his current expenses. The opportunity for us both to have a break sounded wonderful, and since he would be out for the rest of winter, it meant no mucking out, no filling buckets, none of the physically demanding work that I always had to have assistance with. It seemed like the best option that was available to me, so I went and had a look at the place, met the land owner and explained to our livery yard owner that we would be leaving.

I finally felt like I was actually doing something positive.